the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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