think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
