I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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