Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
