just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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