sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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