You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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