i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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