I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
