Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
