did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
