I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
