I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
