he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
