Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
