i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
