Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
