Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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