when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
