1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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