duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You ruined the universe
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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