I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
