it hurts more in the daytime
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
