Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
