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I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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