Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
