i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
