I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
