I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
