Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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