I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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