In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize