My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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