I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
