My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
