the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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