Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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