I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
