Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
