his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
