Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
