dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
