turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Less talking, more tequila
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
