Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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