Only a mothe r could love this liver
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
