This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
