I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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