A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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