sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
