so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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