I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
