We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
