3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
