Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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