nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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