it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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