Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
