I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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